Oh boy it's been forever! 2 days short of 4 months! So lots has happened but I might get to what my summer was like at a later point, but tonight I've got something on my mind. So here it is...
It seems like I've 'done' all the right things. I've been to Africa, built a church in Mexico, I worked at a Bible camp all summer serving for 6-10 hours a day, and taught Sunday School. I love serving and caring for people. I love holding African babies, I love washing dishes, and love just talking to people, hearing what they have to say and how they feel. For me, all that just excites me. Really my heart is in ministry. But my heart and attitude seem to be in different places these days. My mom always told me when we are responsible in the little things, we are rewarded with the big things. I think my life has been slightly reversed.
Like I said I've done the big things, and they've all changed me in some way or another. They have taught me compassion, and flexibility, and mercy, and how to work as a team. But I may have missed some fundamental basics in life. Like my attitude?
I think I became somewhat prideful. I had done so many amazing things, I guess I somewhat thought 'I knew it all', I'm not sure if I was or not? But beginning sometime between the end of camp and getting back into the routine of life I have truly felt fake. I am not sure what, how or exactly when, but my attitude changed.
Now I'm not really going to try to explain it, cause I can't. If you've spent time with me lately maybe you can explain it for me. Tell me how I was acting. But I can say what I've thought about every moment of reflection I've had recently. I am being ignorant, and disrespectful, and hardly compassion. But I don't notice it when I am with the people, only afterwards. So how do I change that? How can I honestly sincerely change my attitude?
Tonight I was at a parent/youth conference called re.verse. Essentially it's two conferences in one - there are speakers for the parents, and a speaker for youth. This weekend they are focusing on three points - Listen, See, Do. Tonight was focused on listening, listening to God's voice. Our speaker said following God doesn't only mean reading your Bible and praying lots, it's listening. (Didn't see that one coming hey? Kidding!) He talked a lot about how we "do" the right stuff holy, Godly, "Good Christian" stuff. So like I've said, I am totally there - I've "done" the right stuff. Well at least the right "big" stuff, but what about the little things?
I just thought of the phrase "are you right with God?" Well honestly no. I'm not, I wish I could say am cause I read my Bible, I pray, I sponsor needy children, I do all this stuff. But when it comes down to it - it's just stuff!
Matthew 22 says... "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'... Now I love the Lord, but I want to focus in on the other part for a moment.
I can easily say I love children in Africa! Holding African babies is hands-down the most rewarding thing I've ever done. But do I love my neighbor? Well let's see - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... so going over that list:
Am I patient with my friends? Not always, no.
Am I kind to my friends? Well that probably depends on my friend and what they've said or done recently.
Do I envy my friends? Oh yes.
Do I boast? Yup.
Am I proud? Like I've said before, yes! Although it's hard to admit that.
Am I rude? Yup.
Self-seeking? Yeah - I think that's a major issue in my life right now too. I am so wrapped up in my world I miss my friends hearts and hurts.
Am I easily angered? I don't think so?
And do I keep records of wrongs? I've been told yes.
So do I love people? Obviously not the way Christ wants me to. I need to change my attitude towards the people around me. I need to treat them better, and love them, and care for them. I need to focus on the little things in my life, forget I've been to Africa, forget those amazing opportunities I've had. I need to focus on being who God wants me to be and treating others the way they deserve to be treated.
And wow that was a long rant, if you read it all congratulations! Haha, I hope to write again soon. And give an update on how I've been treating others. I am truly deeply sorry to the people I have hurt! And I want to close with a prayerful song:
Hide me now,
Under Your wings.
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar.
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father You are king over the flood,
I will be still and know You are God.
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone,
Know his power,
In quiteness and trust.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar.
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father You are king over the flood,
I will be still and know You are God.
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father You are king over the flood,
I will be still and know You are God.
