Prayer

Heavenly Father
(Small by Amanda Falk-->) I just need to get away from me. I just need to find some piece of mind. Caught in this game of unmet expectations. I want to leave it all behind. I want to be small, I want to be just like a child, I want to be quiet in your arms.
Father, please direct my path.
(Just wanna be with you from HSM3 -->) I've got a lot of things I have to do, all these distractions! And my future's coming soon!
God I don't know what I am doing with my life. It seems like one big mess of chaos and decisions. I want it to be pleasing to you and I just wanna follow you God. But I don't know what options are the best way to follow you. Give me directions!
(I'm not that girl from Wicked-->) Don't wish, don't start! Wishing only wounds the heart.
Why do I get into these little states of wanting something I know I can't have? And part of me doesn't even want it. So many things are confusing me God!
(Our hearts to yours by Jay and the Love Birds -->) And I don't wanna be all about what this world's all about. And I wanna be more than this world values me for.
Thank you God for carrying me though all the hard times. You have been so good to me, I love you Father! Thanks for telling me you love me when I need it most, and for pulling me up off my feet when they started to drag.
(Hallelujah Jesus by Monk & Neagle -->) Hallelujah Jesus!!!
I love learning more about you God, thank you for being closer than a brother. Being all that I need, and more! I love learning more about you Father God, help me to keep following you closer and closer every day!
(Can I Have this Dance from HSM3 -->) Take my hand, I'll take the lead. And every turn will be safe with me. Don't be afraid, afraid to fall. You know I'll catch you through it all.
Thank you God, through all uncertainties, you remain!

The person you will be tomorrow is the person you allow God to make you today.
~ Author unknown

It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.
--Mother Teresa

Jesus is head over heals in love with you. If you dance with Jesus, He’ll let the perfect man cut in [at the perfect time.]
- - Courtney Esau

God’s timing is always perfect, even if we don’t know it at the time.
. Guy from Love Comes Softly #4

Back to the basics

Oh boy it's been forever! 2 days short of 4 months! So lots has happened but I might get to what my summer was like at a later point, but tonight I've got something on my mind. So here it is...

It seems like I've 'done' all the right things. I've been to Africa, built a church in Mexico, I worked at a Bible camp all summer serving for 6-10 hours a day, and taught Sunday School. I love serving and caring for people. I love holding African babies, I love washing dishes, and love just talking to people, hearing what they have to say and how they feel. For me, all that just excites me. Really my heart is in ministry. But my heart and attitude seem to be in different places these days. My mom always told me when we are responsible in the little things, we are rewarded with the big things. I think my life has been slightly reversed.

Like I said I've done the big things, and they've all changed me in some way or another. They have taught me compassion, and flexibility, and mercy, and how to work as a team. But I may have missed some fundamental basics in life. Like my attitude?

I think I became somewhat prideful. I had done so many amazing things, I guess I somewhat thought 'I knew it all', I'm not sure if I was or not? But beginning sometime between the end of camp and getting back into the routine of life I have truly felt fake. I am not sure what, how or exactly when, but my attitude changed.

Now I'm not really going to try to explain it, cause I can't. If you've spent time with me lately maybe you can explain it for me. Tell me how I was acting. But I can say what I've thought about every moment of reflection I've had recently. I am being ignorant, and disrespectful, and hardly compassion. But I don't notice it when I am with the people, only afterwards. So how do I change that? How can I honestly sincerely change my attitude?

Tonight I was at a parent/youth conference called re.verse. Essentially it's two conferences in one - there are speakers for the parents, and a speaker for youth. This weekend they are focusing on three points - Listen, See, Do. Tonight was focused on listening, listening to God's voice. Our speaker said following God doesn't only mean reading your Bible and praying lots, it's listening. (Didn't see that one coming hey? Kidding!) He talked a lot about how we "do" the right stuff holy, Godly, "Good Christian" stuff. So like I've said, I am totally there - I've "done" the right stuff. Well at least the right "big" stuff, but what about the little things?

I just thought of the phrase "are you right with God?" Well honestly no. I'm not, I wish I could say am cause I read my Bible, I pray, I sponsor needy children, I do all this stuff. But when it comes down to it - it's just stuff!

Matthew 22 says... "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'... Now I love the Lord, but I want to focus in on the other part for a moment.

I can easily say I love children in Africa! Holding African babies is hands-down the most rewarding thing I've ever done. But do I love my neighbor? Well let's see - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... so going over that list:

Am I patient with my friends? Not always, no.

Am I kind to my friends? Well that probably depends on my friend and what they've said or done recently.

Do I envy my friends? Oh yes.

Do I boast? Yup.

Am I proud? Like I've said before, yes! Although it's hard to admit that.

Am I rude? Yup.

Self-seeking? Yeah - I think that's a major issue in my life right now too. I am so wrapped up in my world I miss my friends hearts and hurts.

Am I easily angered? I don't think so?

And do I keep records of wrongs? I've been told yes.

So do I love people? Obviously not the way Christ wants me to. I need to change my attitude towards the people around me. I need to treat them better, and love them, and care for them. I need to focus on the little things in my life, forget I've been to Africa, forget those amazing opportunities I've had. I need to focus on being who God wants me to be and treating others the way they deserve to be treated.

And wow that was a long rant, if you read it all congratulations! Haha, I hope to write again soon. And give an update on how I've been treating others. I am truly deeply sorry to the people I have hurt! And I want to close with a prayerful song:

Hide me now,

Under Your wings.

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar.

I will soar with You, above the storm

Father You are king over the flood,

I will be still and know You are God.

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone,

Know his power,

In quiteness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar.
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father You are king over the flood,
I will be still and know You are God.

More Than That

No time to spend with You

I wonder if I’m ever gonna change

Here we areWe’ve grown apart

And I know I’m the only one to blame

My heart is dying

‘Cause I’ve been so wrapped up in myself

I’m crying out

I’m desperate for help

And I need You more than ever, so I

Fall to the ground

‘Cause I want to be better

Though You take me as I am

You deserve more than that

New eyes to see You

Better than I ever have before

Ready to be who You made me to be

So with Your loving arms here to catch me,

I will fall to the ground
‘Cause I want to be better
Though You take me as I am
You deserve more than that

I’m no good on my own

I’ve been here way too long

I’m drawing near

Come meet me here

Save my soul

I fall to the ground

‘Cause I want to be better

Though You take me as I am

I want to give You more, give You more

As I fall to the ground

‘Cause I want to be better

Though You take me as I am

I want to give You more

‘Cause You deserve more than that

More than that

More than that

I want to give You more

friends, music, moving, life, and AFRICA

Friends:
Lately I have become better friends with some great people. It's been amazing getting to know a good friend better, and it's been so much fun meeting people at a second youth group I've started attending. I really truly love it! However as much fun as being with people is... I have to say I had so much fun with my bastis kompas (best pal in Swedish) the other day. I missed hanging out with her, and her/our family is pretty great too. But I definitely have been a missing those awesome moments of BriT time! :) ni so ka bastis!

Music:
So apparently I have the greatest music on earth? Yeah I really do! If you have the chance listen to nevertheless, needtobreathe, leeland, monk & neagle, family force 5, and nate sallie! Those are my current favorites. Although I have a playlist I listen to a lot... favorite songs of June 14th, 2008... The Last Night by Skillet, Tears of the Saint by Leeland, What Soldiers Do by Monk & Neagle, and What I Believe and Look At Me Now by Nate Sallie. But lately I have been super busy and just listening to music is so relaxing and nice.

Moving:
I AM MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!! I really can't wait. Although it's pretty sad I don't think I'll be able to see my house till it's already ours :'( But I am still excited! Although I won't be able to stay in my new house for a whole week till mid September!

Life:
It's stressful, but through all the stress at work (having my manager tell me I can't talk about what I believe on the floor) and all the school (which I am nearly done just have math tests and essays to write!!!) and packing (for working at camp all summer, and going to Mexico on a missions trip and going to possobly Africa, and of course moving) but between all that I have some amazing times with friends and family and some insane praise moments. Let me explain a litte about those insane praise moments, the music I have been listening to lately has just really been eye opening just sitting and listening to the words that are about how amazing God is, and how in awe we are of Him. Just.... I don't even know what words to use to describe it!

AFRICA:
I have been given the opportunity to go on a short term missions trip to Uganda in September! I don't know if it will work out or not, but I am certainly praying it does! I would be able to meet my sponsored daughter (Nuru) and well obviously I would be in Africa! But I just have to continue praying for God's plan ;) I will definitely write more about that later depending on if I go or not!

Anyways, it is late and I should be asleep because I have to start work in 8 hours! (see - brutally busy!) But I am just exciting at what God is planning to teach me! P.S. that was insanely random!

African Lullaby

Last night I went and saw the Watoto African Children's Choir sing... one of their songs is amazingly touching! (The picture is an orphan I met in Niger, her name is Aoua.)

Who will sing my lullaby

Who will hold me when I cry

When I awake and no one's there

Who will sing my lullaby

One straw mat

Two sisters, one brother

Our father is gone

Now we cry for our mother

Who will protect

And watch through the night

Who will be there

To blow out the light

Will you Sing my lullaby

Will you hold me when I cry

When I awake, will you be there

Will you sing my lullaby

.......I miss Africa!

Where are we?

This is from a song that's one of my new favorites.... Where are we? What... is going on?

What is going on? Not so much physically like what are you up to, but how are your values and morals reflecting your decisions and thoughts? Last week my mom got to me to take a quiz the evaluated my values, what's important to me? Well I found out that concern for others and authenticity are major values of mine. Yet when I think about it, am I portraying those myself? Like I look for those two qualities in people, but personally am I living out a life of authenticity and concern for others?

Well the concern for others is a little easier, I think I definitely am concerned about how others are treated and how others feel. We have a new manager at my store and although she isn't the most productive person on earth, I wouldn't want to tell the district manager that cause then the new manager would get in trouble right? So I wouldn't want her getting hurt...

But authenticity? Am I being real or I am putting on a show for people to impress them? Authenticity is defined as 'Genuineness; the quality of being genuine or not corrupted from the original.' Am I really being true to who I am? I honestly think I need to work on that! I feel like I'm often putting on a show trying to get people to like me. But I've learnt this week/last weekend that that's silly! If people don't like me for who I am and who God has made me why do I want to be investing all my time and effort into that? It's not worth it.

I know it's lame, but I have a quote... from High School Musical 2 (I know, I know!) in it Gabriella is telling her boyfriend (well she breaks up with him in this scene, but yeah...) anyways she's telling Troy that he's changed. She says "But if along the way you act like someone you're not, pretty soon that's who you become." I don't want to become like someone else, I want to be me, the me God intended me to be!

And... that may have not made sense, but hopefully you can kinda follow my random collaberation of thoughts! Thanks for reading :)

Swedish

So recently, my dad and cousin (Axelina) have been teaching me some Swedish. I am really hoping to go on that DTS in Sweden! And all my relatives over there are ready for me and keep asking when I am coming! He he! But I cannot describe how much I love this beautiful language! It sounds so peaceful and melodic! (Probably not when I am speaking though!) I have figured I am awful at rolling my Rs, and also the SK sounds... for them it sounds somewhat like 'who' but with this other weird sound and yeah... It is a fun learning experience! Ha! Anyways, here are a few of my favorite words/phrases I have learnt!
Bästis - Slang for best friend
Den skulle vara rolig - That one would be fun
Morron! - Morning!
Vill du veta? - Do you want to know?
Jag tycker... - I think... (my opinion)
Inte - Not (hehe it's so much fun to say!)

Random Quote

So I was cleaning out old stuff, and I found this piece of paper. There was a quote on it, I have no idea where it came from or what it was for... but it's one to think about!

"Thoughts and feelings create attitudes. Attitudes become actions. Actions develop into habits, and habits form the real you."

Do you agree?

Ephesians 3:14-21

Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his while family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the churches and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

There were many events last summer that led me to this verse. First I read it at Josh and Sarah Gordon’s wedding, then we talked about that verse at a camp meeting, then later on as a Camp Staff that was the passage they memorized the year before, so someone stood up to recite it. At the time, with it popping up all the time, I had no idea what it meant. I was wondering if something insane was going to happen in my life and I would immediately think of it. Well, that didn’t happen. I had no understanding of the verse, or why it had shown up so many times in one summer.
Last night I was doing my personal Bible study, basically planning my future. I had asked a friend a bunch of questions about YWAM (a Christian Mission Agency)’s six month training program called a DTS (Discipleship Training School). I was looking over his answers, and looking at a book, trying to figure out what God’s will for my life was.
It seems a little silly to be trying to figure this out now, considering I wouldn’t be going for a year and a half, but still. I wanted to get a head start, plus I would need to learn Swedish! So anyways, I decided to flip to Ephesians 3:14-21! The only phrase I remembered was “being rooted and established” so for some reason the two went together? Not so sure how I came to that conclusion, but I did… supposedly.
So then I read it… For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his while family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the churches and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen
And for some reason it made sense last night. Never before I had understood how it applied to my life, or what the verse meant. But last night I somewhat understood it. It seemed to fit into my life perfectly. Although now I can’t explain what it means. But I find it amazing how it just fit, how we are here to praise His name, and grow in Him. Anyways, after reading that, I flipped to the page that describes the DTSs in Sweden – I want to go to Sweden because that’s where my dad grew up and all my relatives live, and I just love it there! And I found this one, I am not really sure where it is, but it focuses a lot on Muslim Ministry! Which would be absolutely amazing for me, because I have a huge heart for missions in West Africa where the majority of the people are Muslim! Then I flipped to the Niger page, I want to be a missionary in Niger (West Africa). There it listed all the staff opportunities and needs. It kind of made me shiver how amazingly perfect that would be. I could go on a DTS to Sweden, spend amazing time with my family and learn more about God and just have an amazing learning experience, then perhaps work with YWAM in Niger!
I really have no idea if that’s going to be what I do, I don’t know if that was God telling me, or just my own wants. Although if that was God’s will for my life I would be perfectly fine with that.
I started doing this devotional book about missions and God’s will, and it’s amazing! The first week is all about praying for missions and stuff. But now week two is about “the call” and this phrase I found extremely interesting; “planning to stay but willing to go” or “planning to go but willing to stay”. Doesn’t that just make sense? God calls us to “Go make disciples of all nations”. That means being ready to go, and planning on being sent out to share God’s love, mercy, and grace.
Overall, I still have no idea if I am supposed to go on this DTS or not, but I have decided to continue “planning to go but willing to stay”. Because we have so much, why do we sit and think to ourselves “well, I like my house so I am going to stay here. If God really needs me to be a missionary I guess I can go on a couple little trips.” Instead, we should be thinking “I have no idea where God’s gonna drop me, but I am going to spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically prepare myself for His work somewhere, but if He keeps me here, I’ll be okay with that!”
I don’t know… just something to think about! :)